Taking Responsibility
Trent had difficulty taking responsibility for his actions. He had agreed to come home at six o’clock every night, which was very important to his wife, Holly. She worked part-time so that she could be with their infant during the day, and she often needed to leave at six o’clock for night meetings. Trent would occasionally come home on time, but many nights he would be 10, 20, or even 30 minutes late. He always had an excuse about something coming up at work or the bad traffic on the freeway. He never once said, “I’m sorry.” Trent blamed his lateness on external factors instead of taking personal responsibility. This behavior frustrated Holly to no end. She could never count on him for any of her evening plans. She felt that she had done her fair share by being home with their baby most of the day and that Trent was not living up to his end of the bargain. One day, she let him know how furious she was. Through her tears she said, “You never even say, `I’m sorry,’ like somehow it isn’t even your fault. It is your fault. You’re the one who’s late all the time.” Trent took a step back and looked at Holly. At first he wanted to shout back, “Of course, I say I’m sorry,” but then he realized it wasn’t true. He was always making excuses. It took a while, but he finally apologized. By doing so, he was taking responsibility for his actions rather than blaming external factors. Trent’s apology was valuable for many reasons. First, it showed Holly that he cared about her feelings. Second, only after admitting he was wrong could Trent start improving his behavior. And third, Trent and Holly could be a team, rather than acting like they were on opposing sides. The point is that the greater a couple’s ability and willingness to say “I’m sorry,” the more balanced, stable, and satisfying the relationship.
Rate Your Ability to Take Responsibility
It can be difficult to admit that you made a mistake. But it’s a very important part of a good relationship. Take the time to answer the following questions honestly on a scale ranging from 1 (rarely) to 5 (always). Responsibility Rating Think about your answers. If you found that you might blame someone or something else for your mistakes, consider why that might be. It will be easier for you to take responsibility for your actions if you understand that it’s difficult for you.
But I’m Always Right!
Nobody is always right. Nevertheless, it’s hard for most of us to admit when we’re wrong. Sometimes we know that we did something we shouldn’t have, and we feel badly about it. So the mind plays a trick on us. It pretends that we didn’t do anything wrong. Then we don’t have to feel badly about it, and we don’t have to say, “I’m sorry,” because saying “I’m sorry” would mean admitting that we behaved badly. This logic will make you feel distant from your spouse. There is nothing wrong with making a mistake. But there is something wrong about not admitting it.
